I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize