Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
