My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
