I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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