Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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