the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize