drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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