Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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