Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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