my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
