You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Couch. On fire.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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