i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
