Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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