I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We're using joints as your birthday candles
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
