Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
