If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
