the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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