I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
