this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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