uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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