Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
