She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
