Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
