I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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