i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
