he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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