i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
