fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
