well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize