i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
