I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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