and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
