that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
being pregnant is like rehab
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
