i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
