obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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