I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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