I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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