So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
