I wish my penis had an off switch
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
