He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
