She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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