I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
