i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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