Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
