I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
