if i can run in heels then i can drive
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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