Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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