he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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