My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just found puke in my bra..
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
