I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
