First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
