When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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