1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
