if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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