Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
