I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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