just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I had to cum in my sink.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
