My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
