i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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